vacatiON

Whoop Whoop!!!
I couldn't be more excited!
My vacation had be really craaaaaaaaaaaayZ. Just two weeks into it and I had gotten more action than some people would ever have in their lifetime, I was living the life.

Nothing that happened was really planned, I just sorta always went with the flow, YEAH!
That was so unlike me, but change which is constant sure played a fast one on me, wise b*tch - excuse my french... Buahahahahahahaaaaahahaaaa!!!
See what I mean? CHANGE!

Away from work and family, I was finally able to clear my head. I didn't realise I had been so choked till I left, damn!
No daughters of eve or stalkers....couldn't one just live this way? No distractions? *sigh*
Did I mention I switched numbers? Yes I did!
Nobody but my immediate family and best friend had access to me and I only took their calls when I wanted to.

Mum wouldn't stop breathing down the line whenever she called to "be careful" like I was some 2year old on a boat cruise.
Mothers!!! They can snuff the fun outta you with their endless lectures.

"Hi! Heard you"re in town, can we see?"
Chineke NNA! Who was this one, again?
Most times it was embarrassing to ask who was on the other side of the line but at this point I had no choice.
It was Jasmine, a friend's ex-girlfriend or should I say "sex mate", cause they were both deceiving themselves.
I had never really liked her but for Chisom, pretending was the only option I had.
Jazz (as she liked to be called) wanted to meet with me. O_o
"Hope there's no problem" I asked.

Safety first, I chose to meet with her at a fast food, whatever reason she wanted to see me for didn't matter. I was only being nice as always and I noted a warning to not be kept waiting, that sh*t was annoying!

"Hi "m Jasmine" - a guy walked up to me stretching his hand......
O_O "U say???"!!!

The_Bloke

on Display, WIFE MATERIAL•

Two weeks later and I still couldn't go back to my crib. I moved back to my parents temporarily. Not like it was the best of ideas, but feeling safe was more important than sleeping with my eyes open.
The burglars had left a not, "stay away, we"v got our eyes on you"....if only they'll "jejely" tell me who to stay away from, shebi I for mind myself.
*sigh* uwa diegwu!!!

"You can move here permanently if you wanna..." Mum had suggested, and no I didn't tell her bout the note left else she won't be suggesting, she"ld practically have my stuff moved before I blink.
But I could do with a little pampering, what was there to rush back to anyway?

Kris was excited having me around, she lived few blocks away, so we always saw every evening! Yes every evening I didn't quite look forward to at some point; I cherished her when our visits were spaced. Often, "ll stay back at work (like say I dey do better thing), just so "ld come late enough not to hang out.
Don't get me wrong, Kris is one FABmazing babe, but she'd started asking for more than I was willing to offer.
I cherished my freedom like crazy, so "over" committing now, or anytime soon was somewhat over-rated; make one yeye girl dey use me smoke garri, MBANU!!!
She called me anytime and everytime, "korokoro" stalking, no we didn't always have much to say and even though I was close to complaining, losing her would have had me pissed at myself.

Natasha on the other hand wasn't pushing it anymore. After the landlord had called on the night the burglars "stomped the yard", she had helped me move to mum's, and before I could even heave a sigh of relief, heard her and mum cracking up in the kitchen over lawd knows what.
Warming her way into mum's heart was really sweet, hope say na there e go just stop sha...and thankfully she went back to NYC few days after, so the coast was clear, at least I thought so till last night while "m having dinner mum goes,,,
"That ur Tasha friend is a very good girl o, and nice too..., we spoke earlier today,,, and she's truly a good wife material".
GHEN GHEN GHEN!!!

all DRESSED in sadness!!!

She was clearly heart broken, I could see it in her eyes, at least that's what I guess I saw.
Natasha wanted us to give it another chance, she was willing to give me another chance, ANOTHER. CHANCE??? I don't even remember "chyking" this babe sef, what in lawd's name was she talking bout?
You kiss a girl and they suddenly assume yo" both dating? UuUuuuuuurrrrgh! This was exhausting!

Natasha called cause she needed to meet with me urgently. What I couldn't understand was her sudden decision to reach me as she had earlier ignored all my calls, sms' and even emails...
Something didn't feel right as we both sat at that table that rainy evening staring at each other. I didn't feel anything for her anymore but I just couldn't bring myself to telling her that or should I? For the first time in ages I was clearly confused about something so "easy", this was pity taking its toll.

Suddenly, the attendant of the coffee shop we were in races to the door, whispers lawd knows what to the doorman who in turn immediately shuts the door, blinds, lights and television in quick succession.
That was awkward, what was going on?
"You didn't hear the gun shot?" Natasha asked with a frightening look,,,
Gun shot ke? Niiiiiiiibo? !O_O!
I had been so lost in my thoughts to have heard anything, then I heard the next and a couple more and knew it was for real. My guess? The mall two blocks away was getting robbed.

I pulled Natasha close to me under the table, trying to comfort her as she was visibly shaking. If not for her I wouldn't have been anywhere close by or caught up in this sh!t, but it was such a wrong time to think stupid.
"We'll be fine" was all I could muster to say.

Bimpe the shop owner comes out of her office cracking like crazy.
Anyone who didn't know her would have thought she was losing it but I for one knew better than to think that.
Bimpe was someone who only cracked when it was worth it and for the few years I had known her, I hadn't seen her get all red.
"You can get up everyone, "m so sorry for the lock down, but everything is fine now. Graham, open the door and blinds pls." And she walks back into her office.

"Guy na motor exhaust fire so ooo", I just couldn't hold my self, I laughed like my whole life depended on it.
That singular statement helped lighten my mood but just when I thought I could let down my guard, Mr Hahmed my landlord rang...
"Your Apartment had just been burgled Mr. Dee"

AND conscience couldn't find a better mo'!

"Sex Education at this age? What's a child supposed to understand bout that at age 6?"
I wasn't in anyway against educating kids about sex or anything, but shouldn't that be left till when they"re like, say 9/10 years old; when the whole puberty thing kicks in?
I had too many questions which clearly no one was gonna answer, and there was nothing I could do about that, nothing whatsoever.

Michelle wouldn't let me be, she wanted an answer to her "If I had ever had sex" question.
What was I gonna say?
Yes? And get drilled further?
No? And get schooled or give reasons why I hadn't?
A 6year old had sure succeeded in putting me in a situation so uncomfortable, "distraction where art thou?"

Was I really scared a 6year old would judge me no matter the answer she got? Definitely not!!!
Thankfully her Mum got to telling me the kids were having foundation classes on "sex education" and they didn't quite have an indept understanding as to what sex really meant, YET! *sigh*

Kris wouldn't stop cracking and teasing about Michelle. I had just told her what went down babysitting the twins and it was like music to her ears.
She had rang to know how my day went and all; checking to know if I could come out for a drink which truthfully was beyond me -exhausted was the word- so I politely turned it down.

Just when I put my head in bed to get some sleep, my phone goes off, again!
Some babe who had the hots for me and I had accidently given my digs on facebook wouldn't stop calling, even in the oddest of times. It was annoying and so much of an effort acting nice to someone who wouldn't take "NO" for an answer.
But I was obviously mistaken thinking that was her as a glance at the screen showed it was Natasha, YES NATASHA!!!

AFTERmath

Monday morning couldn't get any worse, got served a query letter at work before which I was robbed off my wallet in a bus which thankfully had little cash in it, no I'd cards, atm cards or anything important.
Usually bus stops are always crowded that first working day of the week and annoyingly my cabbie wouldn't take my call, only option was to take a bus; did I know how? Truthfully NO! But what choice did I have? That's rhetorical by the way.

My weekend had been superb, so whatever bad was happening was definitely a carryover from where I left off -having bad times that is- cause it obviously had to get completed, I guess.
Kris and I sure had a swell time.
"Did we have sex?"
Well I can't categorically tell u that, but we sure did things way better.
"What could be better?" *shrug* Don't ask me, find out. I never kiss and tell.
That was a back and forth convo between me and an imaginary personality, my way of making myself feel better.

With the "supposed" document in hand I walked into my Boss', not leaving out the query of cause, my pity look in tow.
"Good morning ma"am", "b*tch" was sure the right word to say but then again, getting dismissed outta work? Least sexy thing "ld wish to happen at the mo.
She simply stretched, had me hand over the document and gave the "you can leave look".

Lunch break couldn't come any sooner, I was elated to be away from her presence which was choking, since she had refused to leave which was unlike her.
Elaine was a sweet person but when it was time to work? The split personality resurfaced. Creepy it was, and there was no getting used to it.
I had to find a way to get back in her good books and it wasn't that difficult to decide on what to do.

At the close of work, I headed straight for my Aunt's. She had rang earlier requesting to help babysit my six year old twin cousins (Mike & Michelle) who were no doubt a handful but my love for them, and expertise in babysitting -YES! "Ve got some awesome child handling skills, they just love me- I couldn't turn her down.
It was fun seeing "em again, they got to telling me everything at once, happenings at school, who did what, who was naughty and so on; and for someone who was tired? I took it all in. And just when I thought they were done with the reporting, Michelle with her ever innocent look goes,,,
"Uncle Dee, Have u ever had Sex?"
O_O
"Whaaaaaa Whaaaaaa What did u just say?"

"Kill Joy" Defeated.

No, No, NoooooooooOOOOOOO!!!
My freaking phone just crashed! Wait! Really???
*puzzled look*
I had a date with Kris in a few hours and now reaching her or vice versa would be a hell of a job.
What to do? What to do??

We spoke for a while over drinks before I got towed outta the club. The fact that we had danced our knickers out didn't deter us. Kris was good company as she didn't fail to crack me up like crazy to the extent I was scared of peeing in my pants.
I sure had a good time and didn't wanna let go just like that on level one. *wink*
But she beat me to it, she suggested dinner over the weekend. *TOOTHY GRIN*

"I thought you'll never come", she had already ordered a drink when I found the table. If only this babe sabi the kind wahala wey this "date" don make me go through.
Standing someone up -especially someone as warm as Kris- isn't something I"lld ever forgive myself for doing.

After I restored my phone's backup and found the text containing the address of the restaurant we agreed to meet, no longer felt bad on the amount the phone technician charged in flashing; dude sure ripped me as desperation was evidently written all over me.

"Pls don't be mad, "ve got this", I tried to feign an angry face (even though my joy knew no bounds) after she beat me to paying the bills when the waiter came over. She patted my hand from across the table and gave me "that" wink, EPIC!!!
This evening was sure going to end in a FABmazing way. *dances invincible kokoma*.

Few blocks away from my crib, her Royal Majesty rings, Iya Agba of gbo gbo aye, my ever demanding Boss who wouldn't lemme be even for the weekend.
"Where's the document I asked you to prep and send?" If only she could see the look on my face, I was pissed beyond measure. Kris who was riding in same cab with me cause we were gonna spend some time at mine was confused at my sudden change in attitude.
"Babe? Mind if we do this some other time? Got some work to do". She was obviously disappointed, it was written all over. On a second thought, "screw my boss" and I switched off my phone.

the SATISFACTION "inbetween"•••

"Hello Banke, how u doing?"
From the tone of her voice, she was clearly sad, and it wasn't the right time for me to get all emo' with her, I had work to do. I was exhausted, sleepy and irritated at the same time, it was such a wrong time for her to have called.
"You havnt replied my message" she said, "what message?" I asked in confusion.
All she did was sigh, and asked to ring me later, she must have sensed my irritation; Good Girl!
"Talk to you later then", nicest thing I could think to say.

The happenings of the past two weeks had really gotten to me more than I thought they would. The numerous meetings I had to keep up with, errands I had to run, calls and appointments,,, it had been super craaaaaAazy; and the "phone call"? *head bowed*, that came a couple more times. Funny thing is I had gotten somewhat used to it. It was pointless to have been continually freaked by some lunatic who couldn't make more than a sentence, but that didn't stop me from being extra careful.
I had an alarm system installed and the locks on all my doors changed, make I no later begin sing "had I known"! Biko kwa!

Damn!!! It just hit me I had promised my pals I would hang with "em. It was friday and Jean had called earlier to pen my name in for a hangout at a club or clubs, depending on the mood of the evening and I had totally agreed, without thinking of cos.
I hadn't seen him or the clique (Fred, Kola, Trevor, Kevwe) in about a month.
A MONTH??? Strange!!! I hadn't partied in a month. This wasn't me, what had this "alien" done to me?
A normal friday never passed without me getting all jiggy. Had loads of catching up tonight.

At 11:30pm, Jean rang to say he was couple'a blocks away and would be at mine in no time to pick me up.
What was with him and the sudden "british" accent? Last I checked he visited S.A. for a two week vacation, and the accent suddenly manifested? Least of my worries -for now of cos- all I wanted to do was have fun, and..., well HAVE FUN!

On my fourth glass of cream soda and in the third club we visited that night, Trevor suggested we'd had enough for the evening and suggested we go home.
Initially I was gonna protest, but remembered I had to be at the office later that day, so I told myself to shut up. I obviously. Couldn't catch up on "everything" I had supposedly missed out on but I sure rocked the dance floor of the clubs we stepped in and made a handful of friends, some very cool ones amongst which was Kris.

I had first noticed her as we walked into CUBANA, some newbie in the city, it was unusually filled with humans who I must say had no idea what the word boring meant.
We danced together, and when we finally took a break?

Bloke_Diaries

lose to win; the SCARE inbetween...

I woke up startled, something must have scared the sh*t outta me, the wall clock said 2:56am, it was too early to start my day, and I was somewhat shaky going back to sleep.

A few hours ago, I received a call from an unknown number. I usually do not take calls from numbers not registered on my phone, but I felt the urge to take that very one.
"Stay away from her" was all the voice said until the call dropped.
Stay away from who??? That question never got an answer and t"was in my head till I drifted to sleep.

Yes I remember, I was having a nightmare where some strange figure was chasing me with some weapon and screaming the same words- "STAY AWAY FROM HER!!!", until I woke up.
Hmmm, my enemies are at work, I guess.
Well I got on my knees, said a prayer and went to the study to do some work.

I had a deadline to turn in an article the next week, and I hadn't even typed a single word.
I could virtually see my boss giving me some shitty look having an excuse for been late asides breaking both hands and having glass in my eyes. SMH!!!

I looked at the wall clock and it was 8:16am, LAWD! I had an appointment for 9am and exactly 44minutes to put myself in shape, make it through traffic and still look human when I get there, if I ever do in time.
I still hadn't written a word of my supposed article as I had slept off minutes after I sat back to think on how to get started.

Whoever called me the previous night had sure scared the sh*t outta me really, cause I practically tip-toed through the stairs and when a cat "meowed" in the process, I freaked out, more like my heart practically sought for freedom to hike out my body; Lord help me!!!

"Driver! Can u step on it some more, PLS?"
He simply gave that "how much you dey pay way you dey hazzle me" look, I just said a silent prayer cause missing this appointment would earn me a query from "Lady Morgana" herself, my almighty boss, I was her stand in as she was outta town at the mo'.
Thankfully I got in when everyone was being ushered into the conference room, and just then my phone rang and without looking at the screen I picked::::::::::
"Ve got my eyes on you, stay away from her" the voice on the otherside said,
"Stay away from who?" I asked!
"Don't play coy with me Mr, just do as you're told" and mystery man hung up.
I had to many "her's" in my life to know which in particular, if it was any of "em and not some prank call.
*sigh*

Bloke_Diaries

lose to win: the CHERRY on top!

"Its not what you think Tasha" I said aloud while running after her, she had clearly caught me in a compromising position with that "olodo" girl, "enemy of progress".
How was I gonna prove to her I wasn't guilty, as I had even refused her escort to the room. Phew!
Women and wahala. Not like I really blame her, but she hardly knew me enough to trust me one bit.

As I straightened up while waiting for the elevator, I heard someone call out to me, must have been my mind playing games so I didn't react in anyway. I was forced to look up when the call became persistent only to find out it was Banke- OMG, the FABmazing Banke!!!

At first sight, Banke has got a likeable personality. Not only is she nice and sincere, but also blunt and truthful.
We had first met at a mall some rainy evening when she had trouble getting to her car cos she obviously didn't wanna mess her hair and loubs I guess. Since I had an umbrella (big enough for only one person), I offered to walk her and annoyingly got beat by the rain, YES O! Rain mama me, kawai!
Not like I felt bad, but the fact that she didn't offer to drop me off someplace had me regretting my action!

Two weeks later, "m all sitted alone, having lunch when someone walks over, taps me and says "HI"..., I simply looked up, smiled (cos "v been warned not to talk with food in my mouth) and continued with my food.
She pulls out a chair, sits and goes, "Don't you remember me?"
Well of cos I did, who"lld forget a face so pretty, but "omo guy" had to form like he had no idea, after which I feign remembrance and go all smiley.
We talked and got acquainted.

So, seeing her again after my mood just got ruined really lightend me up, we hugged and kissed, YES WE DID!!!
I didn't see that coming, she just stuck her mouth on mine and it happened, and yes "m glad she did.
Afterwards, we took the elevator to the hotel's bar for drinks, going back to that wedding reception was so out of it so I sms'd my buddy to tell I wasn't coming back, he could go home without me as I was gonna explain everything to him on a later date.

Banke and I talked for an hour straight without touching our drinks, she let me into secrets she wouldn't let anyone else easily. I don't mean to brag, but "ve got that special thing that gets people spilling and telling things.
Anyways, she had just come out of an abusive relationship and needed time to get herself together. Hearing her story really got me pissed at the guy who"d treat a lady that bad but nonetheless, she was out and that was a good thing
There wasn't much to tell bout me, she overheard me begging Tasha and that's what practically brought her out her room, so I only had to tell what led to the "begging scene", LOL!!!

The three hours spent talking was really worth it, we practically felt better, that much I could see in her eyes, and thankfully she voiced it out too.

It was time to go as my uncle rang to say he needed his car back.
I walked "B" to her room and was driving out the hotel when a text came into my phone;

"I Love u, wuld you be mine? " - Banky

Jesu! Jamb Question ti de'!!!

Bloke_Diaries

and SEDUCTION came crawling II !!!

After she left, I rang my Uncle to ask if I could have his car for a few hours to which he agreed, SUPER!
Next was to find company, didn't wanna go all alone, so after much pleas and cajoling, Hamza agreed to tagging along and brought a friend too, three's a crowd, but who"s counting?

We got to the reception venue just as peeps were filling in, greeting each other and paring up -its clearly no fun sitting with a total stranger-, and since I had come with a few peeps of mine, we wasted no time finding a table and getting comfortable. After which I texted yours truly to tell I had finally arrived because the few hours from when she left my crib, till I finally left for the reception, she rang me countless, and I kept reassuring I wouldn't miss it for anything in the world. *Yimu*

Ten Minutes later, three people -2 ladies and a guy- occupied the remaining seats on my table, what really caught my attention and had me look up from my phone was one of them's cologne, it was that powerful to get a nod from me. So I was nice enough to exchange pleasantries, we shook hands and got talking.
One of the two ladies shoke my hand in a funny way by tickling my palm with a finger, whatever that meant and no it didn't stop at that, she kept stepping on my foot under the table.
Hamza must have noticed my discomfort as he asked if I was ok, but I simply gave the excuse of my tummy cramps reoccuring and the urgent need to use the bathroom.
I alerted Natasha who thankfully was lodged in the same hotel and offered to escort me to her room to relieve myself but I declined, didn't want anyone thinking otherwise; simply got her key card & room number and found my way.
Little did I know "tickle, matchy" lady, whose name I got to know afterwards as Vivian was watching me closely and had a sneaky scheme.

With no idea how she did it as I hadn't noticed anyone following me, Vivian pounced on me immediately I walked in Natasha's. To say I wasn't scared to be taken so unawares would be a huge lie.
I was still trying to make sense of what in lawd's name she was doing there when she grabbed my buckle. Gbese!!!
She kept tugging at it to free me of my pants when Natasha walks in, of cos the room door was ajar and so she didn't have to knock to be let it.
The look on her face, GOSH!!!

Bloke_Diaries

and SEDUCTION came crawling!

The flight to Abuja was smooth, I was finally free of the conniving Ronke, Phew!
I had totally ignored the cute lady next to me and in order to make up for my obvious neglect, I offered to help with her hand luggage.
That single act won me a ride home as my cousin had totally forgotten to come get me from the airport.
We made conversation on our way and I got to know she just came into the country to visit family and attend an aunt's wedding that weekend; and that's how I got invited, for the wedding that is.

9:52am- The doorbell goes off, I rush to the door, lo & Behold, there's Natasha to pick me up, for the wedding!!!
"You are'nt ready yet?"
Snap Snap, lies come pouring about how "v got a cramped tummy and all.
In seconds she was standing real close, I could feel her breath on me and I had on just shorts and nothing else.
She put her head on my chest and slowly slid one of her hands to my crotch; "Jnr" was slightly awake, but that touch got him out his slumber in seconds.
I had bent my head to kiss her when the doorbell went off again..... WTF???

The look on my face when I opened the door was enough to pass across my irritation, it was a stranger in the area who had obviously lost his way and needed directions. That settled, we were gonna pick up from where we stopped when her mum rang to ask where she was...
*deep sigh*

Bloke_Diaries

and then came LUST II

"M seeing someone now but can't seem to get over you, if you get serious with me, would leave him... Or u mind an open relationship?"

"Ronke, are you f*cking kidding me?" That was the nicest thing I could think to say. My anger was I had come all the way to hear the rubbish she just said, she could have saved me the stress and money wasted by telling me over the phone or bbm. *sigh*
I had the urge to leave immediately, but her pleas sorta calmed me down.

She had few errands to run and so we drove around town a while, after which we went to her house.
The look I got when I walked in almost had me turning around and bidding goodbye.
What had she told them about me?
Abi shit dey my body ni?
Anyways, I put up that killer smile of mine, said "hello" to everyone and sat.

Drinks and a meal were served but I only took the drink cos it was still sealed, make I no go chop food laced with "luff portion" begin scream Ronke name for night, Biko kwa!!!

After about an hour it was time to leave and Ronke offered to drop me off. The ride home was quiet, I tried to make conversation but she didn't bulge. Did I mention she had asked for sex again on our way to her's?
Of cos she did!!!
Since I don't appreciate beating about the bush, NO! was the answer she got.
Na so she keep face like say trailer jam am! Who cares? Na force to enter Jerusalem?

Just when I thought I had gotten rid of her for good, baby girl offered to take me to the airport the following day cos I had to be outta town for some business; and behold she turned up with her "Boyfriend", who turned out to be a long lost paddy of mine. *wicked smile* Glory!!!
Fred was excited to see me and as though he had been waiting to talk to someone, he spilled on his "relationship" with Ronke, how much of a bug and nympho she was, a total PEST! Those were his exact words, "poor boy"!
Well he finally said what I had waited to hear, it was all about her bank account for him, EPIC!!!

Sorry Ronny -that's what I call her- and of cos Fred,,,, that's all I had in my head through out my flight, two confused humans!

Anyways, Ronke and I are'nt friends anymore, not on speaking terms either. Why? She clearly doesn't know what she wants and keeps changing men like she does her sanitary pads, sad eh? "M not about friends who"lld add no value, rich or not!

*Deuces*

Bloke_Diaries

and then came LUST!

Ronke came into my life like some huge joke, and I never quite took her serious for a long time afterwards. Yes she was nice in more ways than one, atleast that's what I thought initially.

About two years ago, someone sent me a request on my blackberry messanger and I accepted, I always give every stranger a fair chance at expressing themselves, "m nice like that.
She had gotten my pin from a friend she wouldn't mention, and since I was overly busy that saturday morning, I never cared to push it- maybe I should have.
Anyways, we gradually got acquainted and I accepted to meet with her after much persuation; my shakara is much like that, I know.
She was good looking in a geeky way, had cash (no be say I broke o) and spoke well. The latter is one major quality I always look out for in anyone I come across.

"I'lld rather we stick to being friends", Ronke had asked me out 24hrs after we officially met, Yes she did and not like I was any surprised than the day I discovered my "underarms" were getting grassy.
I don't mean to blow my trumpet, but "m good looking like that, enough to knock "honeyzzz" off their feet...
Ronke was sure disappointed at the reply she got but she tagged along and we got comfortable with each other. We stayed that way for a long time but I could sense she wasn't contented with just the friendship, she yearned for more and out of pity I was gonna indulge but...
To Be Contd.

Bloke_Diaries